Irrefutably a horrible experience. Gnomeo & Juliet has writers, I think, that are talented and earned every cent they earned; a director that is a good-hearted caterer to children’s delight; vocal talents that are appropriately chipper. No this is a horrible experience because it’s 3-D with no three-dimensionality and so dark that you might have well put on sunglasses on in an indoor theater. Vaguely you can follow along in the dark in that this is a kiddie riff on Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet.” It’s not made for smart adults looking for paradoxes, it’s made for kiddies who will be introduced to a hip update Shakespeare with a broad re-telling. That would be fine, but you can’t see it.

At least you can make out the voices of James McAvoy and Emily Blunt as the star-crossed lovers. You can make out the Elton John heavy soundtrack, especially the “Crocodile Rock.” You can make out the lawnmower sound effects. And if you squint hard enough you can make out that these are garden gnomes who come to life when people aren’t around, or it’s “Toy Story.” It’s possible that even for something derivative it could have been enjoyed as long as it maintained high spirits.

People worked hard on this movie. That’s what I think. But then you can’t even see their work. Boos to all the studio executives at Disney who ordered a 3D job that wasn’t necessary. All the 3D glasses do is stretch the vertical and horizontal dimensions just slightly at the expense of manipulating the focal in your eyeball. On occasion you can take your 3D glasses off and see the picture normally.

Will this movie play better when it hits home video? Yeah, certainly. It’s still to miniscule for me to ever bother doing a re-review. It has Shrek-y like drawings, it borrows from “Toy Story,” but oh boy, it has a cute Elton John dance scene at the end (I’m not a fan, but I liked that part), and to its credit they manage to make the end credits readable.

Michael Caine, Julie Walters, Patrick Stewart, Maggie Smith and Jason Statham are among the other vocals. When Hollywood drops the atrocious 3D gimmick then we can go back to reviewing movies normally around here. Really, I only had an apparition in having watched it although my butt was there the entire time.

 84 Minutes. Rated G.

ANIMATED / GOOFY / FAMILY WEEKEND MATINEE

Film Cousins: “Robin Hood” (1973); “Over the Hedge” (2006); “Tangled” (2010); “Yogi Bear” (2010).