Michael Bay has made three “Transformers” films in a row since 2007 and based on box office returns it doesn’t appear that the series will stop anytime soon. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I look forward, out of lunatic curiosity, to see what Bay can do besides movies where gigantic machines collide. Does Bay think that anything one town size and character driven (yeah, right! not with him!) is too small? His refusal to acknowledge the redundancy of this series is a sign of creative bankruptcy. But wait, he has recently proposed, in press releases, a $20 million dollar budget film called “Pain & Gain” about bodybuilders turned bank robbers (goin’ back to his roots with what he would consider a shoestring budget). In case that falls through, I actually have some hybrid ideas for him that could be action heavy but with potentially more “complex” stories:
“Tron meets “eXistenZ” – Garrett Hedlund goes into the virtual world to rescue doll-face video game designer Rosie Huntington-Whiteley who has gone under a fugue state having forgotten that she has left the real world. Hedlund fights replicants on the arenda grid until he is able to find his girl and convince her that she’s gotta escape back to Earth with him.
“Unstoppable” meets “28 Weeks Later” – Denzel Washington and Chris Pine on a runaway train with a busted locomotive, but that’s okay, because they must defend themselves against carnivorous zombies that try to jump the train to skin them and drink their blood. Jason Bateman, Scott Caan, Tyrese Gibson, Ed Helms, Tim McGraw, Jeremy Renner as commuters turned zombie avengers. Meagan Goode and Blake Lively are the cargo babes. Dan Aykroyd is the U.S President in a rare dramatic role.
“The Time Machine” meets “Death Race” – You get a H.G. Wells type from the late 1800’s except make him into a tetchy bad guy who nooses colleagues from his era, straps them into the future, then plunks them in a deadly car race where they are up against an evil Jason Statham as derby driver Sir Crank-Frankenstein. Ewan McGregor is H.G. Wells and Gerard Butler is an 1800’s chap now death-racing for his life. Sofia Vergara plays the babe riding shotgun.
“Whip It” meets “2012” – Remember that Drew Barrymore-directed film with Ellen Page as Babe Ruthless? Well, Roland Emmerich style ahem Michael Bay style, the world falls apart due to earthquakes, erupting volcanoes, hurricanes and tsunamis. The only way to escape it is to outrun it, except running is going to be too slow. So Babe (now Evangeline Lilly) and her hot girlfriends have to rollerblade across America with the Earth cracking and splitting away behind them. Tara Reid is the first to die from falling into a lava abyss, Anastasia Ashley is the hottest surfer-rollerblader of the lot.
“Predator” meets “Up” – An octogenarian (Michael Douglas) becomes one of the last survivors on the planet when he invents a balloon-energy dirigible that hovers in the sky. Thousands of alien-warriors with high-tech gear devise iniquitous ways to take down the arsenal-loaded dirigible. Throw in some retired air jockeys (Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland, James Earl Jones, Estella Warren) to blast these invaders occupying the ground. Adrian Grenier plays Douglas’ son and babe Louise Bourgoin comes along for the ride.
“The Bucket List” meets “District 9” – Set in the future, Clint Eastwood and Danny Glover are old codgers with terminal cancer who embark on one last adventure before they kick the bucket: vacation to the alien-prawn district in Johannesburg where, for kicks, they can blend in and cajole with the residents. But an alien revolt gets way extreme, and so our two dying martyrs must laser gun blast these defiant aliens to hell. Gena Lee Nolin plays the scientist, and Meagan Tandy plays her nubile assistant.
“War of the Worlds” meets “Midnight in Paris” – Owen and Luke Wilson transport back in time to the 1920’s where they meet historic legends that include F. Scott Fitzgerald, Cole Porter, Josephine Baker, T.S. Eliot, Pablo Picasso, Salvodor Dali Buñuel. This time something goes wrong with the time-space continuum and outer space tripods and tentacles aliens invade the Earth. Now the world’s greatest artists must get creative to lead a revolution – led by Ernest Hemingway – in a fight for the world. Liv Tyler, Gemma Atkinson and Thandie Newton (as Josephine Baker) play the babes without the flapper haircuts.
“There Will Be Blood” meets “The Hills Have Eyes” – Daniel Day-Lewis is an 1800’s oil tycoon who has to fend off against mutant cannibals who intrude on his drilling wells with a miner’s axe for a weapon. The surviving mutants decide to retreat 10,000 feet underground, but Day-Lewis ain’t satisfied. He invents rocket grenades that he uses to annihilate the mutants down hiding towards the center of the earth. Blowing the core of the Earth off its axis by accident makes the planet go off course its orbit and towards the sun. Now Day-Lewis has to invent an oil bomb to make Earth rotate the other way so it goes back on course in proper orbit. Bijou Phillips and Kelly Hu play the uncharacteristically hot mutants.
“Apocalypto” meets “The Abyss” – Underwater beings abduct Rudy Youngblood and Benjamin Bratt and force them into a gladiatorial obstacle course spearheaded by water princess Camilla Belle. Upon observing their bravery, the water princess sees that her captives are more human than her own underwater species, thus leading to an overthrow of the King (Brendan McGleeson) and the entire amphibious world that is keeping resuscitation of post-radiation Earth a secret.
“Jingle all the Way” meets “The Black Hole” – Remember that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he holiday shops hectically for a Turbo-Man for his toy-needy son? Well this time, Dad has to space voyage all the way to the Black Hole to retrieve a special levitating asteroid that his whiny son wants for Christmas. Matthew McConaughey plays the space vessel captain, Armond Assante as the lieutenant who goes crazy and tries to overthrow command so he can guide the ship into the deepest point of no return vortex. Paulina Flores, Elsa Benitez and Natalie Martinez play the babes on board (Schwarzenegger’s nurse, cook and a maid).
